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My Mind-My Thoughts

Who Will

If we don’t guide our children, who will?

If we don’t hold our children accountable, who will?

If we don’t teach our children, who will?

If we don’t discipline our children, who will?

If we don’t punish our children, who will?

If we don’t do these things for our children, do we really even love them?

My son and (middle) daughter are very close in age, usually they are found playing together. Recently my son had a friend over. We will call the friend Quin (for privacy matters). Quin, the whole time he was over, yelled at my two daughters. He would tell my four year old to get away, to not talk to him, to not touch him. He would tell my daughter (close in age to my son) to stay out of my son’s room, that she wasn’t allowed to play, that she wasn’t included.

In my home that’s a big no, no. My son knew this and chose to go along with Quin in being unkind to his sister’s. After many warnings that if the behavior didn’t stop Quin would go home and my son would be grounded. The behavior didn’t stop and Quin was sent home. My son was grounded for a week-ish, and I had a stern talk with him about how we don’t treat our sister’s (family in general).

This weekend I decided to give Quin another chance and allowed Quin and another friend of my son’s to stay over. We will call the other friend Blade (for privacy matters). Blade has been over to my home many times and he has caught on to what I expect. No horse play inside the house, no food and drinks in the bedrooms, no cuss words, no using God’s Name in vain, and we include everyone.

I had sent a quick text to Quin’s mom before he came over, asking that she have a talk with him and explain that he was not allowed to be mean to my daughter’s like he was the last time he was over, and if he was he would be sent home. She reassured me she would have a talk with him.

The last time he was sent home for not being nice and I told her how he had been acting she didn’t handle it at all. In fact she didn’t say anything (no apology, nothing). She just blew it off like it was nothing.

The boy’s came over. They were playing, having fun. I made finger foods they all scarfed the foods down. All but Quin. His mom had given me some items he would eat, but he refused. All he wanted to do was play video games. That was fine but the other kid’s were a little bored by the video games, so I had them watch a little television. I was trying to get them to settle in for the night. The lights were turned down and the kids were trying to be quiet and watch the show but Quin wouldn’t stop talking, to the point I decided to ask him if he would rather just go play the video game. He got very excited and off he went, up the stairs to play some games.

The other kid’s told me they were going to pull an “all nighter”. If you don’t know what that means, it means you stay up all night. I’ve done it many times as a child-some times I failed miserably.

After a while I dozed off. I woke up to commotion. A lot of commotion. Here came my daughter and Blade. They couldn’t tell me quick enough what Quin had done and said. My son wasn’t included in all the commotion because he had fallen asleep during the time they were watching television.

It wasn’t long before I realized Quin was a disturbed little boy. Blade told me Quin was calling my daughter’s cuss words and flipping them all off (putting up his middle finger) and waving it in front of his body. Blade told him he knew I wouldn’t like this and he was going to come tell me. Quin said he didn’t care and he wasn’t scared of me. I had all the kids come in the living room. I heard their story and asked Quin if it were true. He didn’t deny it. I told him he was going home and I was telling his mom and dad. He was screaming at me that he didn’t care. Mind you, all of this was over a video game, because he wanted to be the one in control of the rules and the kids wouldn’t listen to him.

Quin ended up storming out of my house telling me to shut up, to “f” off, and saying Jesus’s Name in vain with some added cuss words. I tried reaching out to his mom but got no response. Two days later and I still haven’t received an apology for how her son acted.

I would be embarrassed if my child (children) went to someone’s home and acted the way Quin acted here.

If the situation was flipped and Quin was my son, I would first beg the mother to forgive me (through text). I would have a very stern talk with Quin and within no time I would be knocking on the mother’s door, Quin next to my side, him bawling due to being ashamed and apologizing for his actions.

None of this has taken place and I don’t see it happening anytime soon. Usually Quin’s mom texts me frequently. I’ve not heard a word since this mess occurred.

Revert back to the top of this page. What’s the answer? Prison! That’s the answer.

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Here’s A Little Story

Here’s a little story I’d like to tell about one guy I know so well. It started way back in Calvery. With Joseph and Mary and a King. Had a little camel, cow and sheep.

Just baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph

Riding across the land kicking up sand

Sheriff’s posse on their tail ’cause He’s in demand

One lonely Shepherd He’d become to be

All by Himself without nobody but twelve disciples

The sun is beating down on my klafta

The air is gettin’ hot the the water is refreshin’

Lookin’ for Sychar I ran into the woman at the well

Her name is Photine, He said, howdy she said hi

He told a little story that sounded well

Tired from His journey and He’s dying of thirst

sat down by the well. It was about noon

His voice was hoarse, His throat was dry and He asked me for a sip

He said, “Will you give me a drink?”

She said, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?”

Had a chance to run

She pulled out her water jar

He was quick on the draw, I thought I’d be dead

But He had nothing to draw with

So this is what He said, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

“Go, call your husband and come back.”

“You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”

“Woman, believe me, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

“I, the one speaking to you—I am he.”

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Pride

Pride kills more relationships (not just romantic) than just about anything. Pride will cause you to be cocky and leave you believing you’re never in the wrong. Pride will have you old and alone because you’ll lose everything good in your life. Pride kills. Pride is foolish. Pride is being conceited. Pride stirs up bullying and entitlement. Pride is sin.

-Proverbs 13:10 “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.”

-Proverbs 8:13 “To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, even behavior and perverse speech.”

-1 Samuel 2:3 Hannah prayed, “Do not keep talking so proudly or let your mouth speak such arrogance, for the LORD is a God who knows, and by him deeds are weighed”

-Proverbs 16:18 “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” God’s word assures us pride is the root of the rubble in our lives.

(Reference:the Bible)

Here’s, just to name a few, Bible verses on pride.

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Exhausted

Exhausted

When will it end

Like a rollercoaster

Up and down

Twisting and turning

Breath taken away by gusts of wind

My heart sinks more to the depths of the underground

One day foe

One day friend

Confusing as it may be I’m still the one who forgives

Moving on towards the prize

The prize of glory

Glory unto God

For it’s by His strength I continue this fight

Nothing ever good enough

Only in the moment

In the moment of getting

Getting what you want

As soon as it’s over it’s back to reality

Reality of being discontented with your own life so your discontentedness overflows onto ours

Pretending to be kind

The only one who seems to matter is nothing more than a moment in time

Living in the future instead of living for reason and rhyme

Proven it’s all an act because the act ends when the curtain closes

The lights dim

The days ended

Gone one day this life will be

Living with yourself and your inner demons

Ungratefulness of the life you’ve been given

It’s everyone you treat this way not just some

Take responsibility for the web you’ve spun

Lay down your life at His feet and start a new before reality comes and you can’t undo….

….Exhausted

When will it end

Like a rollercoaster

Up and down

Twisting and turning

Breath taken away by gusts of wind

My heart sinks more to the depths of the underground

One day foe

One day friend

Confusing as it may be I’m still the one who forgives

Moving on towards the prize

The prize of glory

Glory unto God

For it’s by His strength I continue this fight

Nothing ever good enough

Only in the moment

In the moment of getting

Getting what you want

As soon as it’s over it’s back to reality

Reality of being discontented with your own life so your discontentedness overflows onto ours

Pretending to be kind

The only one who seems to matter is nothing more than a moment in time

Living in the future instead of living for reason and rhyme

Proven it’s all an act because the act ends when the curtain closes

The lights dim

The days ended

Gone one day this life will be

Living with yourself and your inner demons

Ungratefulness of the life you’ve been given

It’s everyone you treat this way not just some

Take responsibility for the web you’ve spun

Lay down your life at His feet and start a new before reality comes and you can’t undo….

….Exhausted

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Bright Like A Diamond

Her hair is as golden as a bright sunny summer day

It shines like a star in the clear night sky

Her eyes are as blue as the oceans waters

When happy she dances like a ballerina

She‘s a Princess

She giggles when she laughs

With innocence still in tact

She loves the Lord like crazy

Baptized before other believers

She stands for what’s right even when other’s don’t support her

She likes to be different

I like her as she is

She’s my daughter and I love her

Beautiful inside and out

Her soul shines bright like a diamond

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Smile Pretty Girl It Looks Good On You

Little girl why don’t you think you’re pretty

Walk in a room and all eyes are on ya

Your hair shines like the bright morning sun

Glistening like snow on Christmas Eve morn

Changing of colors like summer, fall and spring

Like leaves on a new budding tree

New life each day is what I see

Legs as long as route 20

Compliments come a plenty

Tall as a sycamore

Intelligent as Albert Einstein

Talent like Pablo Picasso

Can you hear me or do I have to say it louder

Sense of humor like Jerry Seinfeld

I wish you knew how so many people felt

We think you’re amazing

We think you’re special

We think you should believe us

A heart that chases after Jesus

You make me smile when I want to frown

You’ve turned my world upside down

Always willing to talk and even listen

Always willing to learn from life’s sometimes hard lessons

Once rebellious

You’ve since turned your life around

You’ve come so far

Turning scars into art

I love you today and tomorrow too

Now smile pretty girl

It looks good on you

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Love Is

I’m beginning to heal

It was put on hold

I was made to feel guilty

For the love I once loved

I tried to mourn

I tried to grieve

You died while he chose to leave

I pushed your death away so not to hurt him

Now I’m left with neither of you for neither of you were men

To me you’re both now dead

He’s alive but dead to me

Never again do I wish I’d see

He was not who I thought he was

A wolf in disguise

The mere thought of him brings feelings of disgust while the thought of you brings tears to my eyes

Day by day I’ll choose to live

Forgiving you both but never will I forget

The things you both did

The things you both said

You taught me what love isn’t

The Word taught me what love is

Love is….1 Corinthians 13

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Valentine

I’ll never forget you

It hurts so bad

I do it to myself

Can’t get you out of my head

I search your name and find your obituary

I read it and read it and read it

again and again

Over and over i play in my mind the things you said

I know it’s foolish

You didn’t love me

You didn’t care

For yourself only you did

It doesn’t change how i feel

How I felt….no, how i feel

I’ll never forget your taste

Loving you wasn’t easy

Probably a waste

It was down right hard

Push and pull from the first day i met you

I‘m rambling

It helps

Talk therapy is what I’ll call it

Call it what you want

Call it something else

Maybe insanity

Yea thats what it is

But i hold on to the you i once knew

Not the you you became over a life of struggles

Struggling with yourself

Inner turmoil

Your soul lost

You didn’t want found

You didn’t believe

You had so much doubt

So intelligent but so dumb

So foolishly out of your mind

You feared nothing in life but your own feelings

Your own mind

You wanted this life no more

Your wish was granted

Your life now ended

Ashes to ashes

Dust to dust

I must….

Stop this rollercoaster of ups and downs

Thinking of you makes me happy and sad

Your were so silly in your own little way

So quiet your voice

All things done out of selfish gain

I wanted to fix you

You didn’t want fixed

You felt nothing was broken

Oh how you’ve left me broken

Heart breaking every day since I found out you were gone

No grave to visit

Your remains on a homemade throne

If i could forget you would i want to???

No is the answer

Why????

Because….

Got your chemicals all in my veins, Feeling all the highs, feel all the pain, Blurring all the lines, you intoxicate me, Just like nicotine, rushin’ me, touching me, Suddenly, I’m a fiend and you’re all I need, It’s you babe, And I’m a sucker for the way that you move babe, And I could try to run, but it would be useless, You’re to blame, Just one hit of you, I knew I’ll never be the same, It’s you, babe, You’re in my blood, you’re in my veins, you’re in my head, You’re to blame, Just one hit of you, I knew I’ll never ever, ever be the same (Source: LyricFind-Song by Camila Cabello-Never Be the Same)

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My Mind-My Thoughts

God’s Own Heart

One, two, three, four

I can’t take much more

Face on the floor

Crying out

LORD HELP ME

Married but single

Ready to mingle

My mind going crazy

Motivation set to lazy

Depression at its finest

Can’t stand you to the point I’ve been defiant

Against my Almighty Savior

With my thoughts not by my actions

Temptation looks so attractive

Satisfaction

I run from the dark and into the light

Won’t stay down without a fight

Don’t want to lose to the enemies hand

Claiming victory in His Name

I’m a Princess

I’ll be treated as such

My Father’s a King

He wears a crown

Best date ever….take me to church

Let me praise my Lord

Let me praise Him loud

Let me cling to my Jesus

Who laid His entire life down

Let me chase after God’s own heart as David did

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My Mind-My Thoughts

How Disturbing

Much resentment in my heart

Had they all just listened you would still be here on earth

Sharing this life with your loved ones who now hold dear

A memory of you most will forget within a few years

Where have you gone

Where do you reside

Heaven or Hell

If only i knew

I’d feel at peace

Knowing where your soul now rests

Lost in my thoughts

Often of you

A dead person consumes me

How disturbing

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Black Honey

Black Honey-Thrice

Black Honey

Swinging on the park swing

Holding on to that moment

I knew it would all soon be a faded memory

A moment in time until it was your time

I tried to tell them

They wouldn’t listen

If only they had listened

Now they are left with regret

Hatred fills the air

I hate this

Your soul so dark

You wasn’t getting better

Only worse

I long to sit by your grave stone

I long to talk to you one more time

I remember the last time

We talked only but a minute

If only i had another minute

All i have are the memories

Few and far between

There were many in betweens

Most of them you weren’t in your right state of mind

You didn’t mind

I tried to run from you

I would do so well

Then like a wishing well i would throw myself in

Into you one more time

No wishes came true

Only the thought of you

Thoughts of you consume me

I knew it was going to happen

It was only a matter of time

I blame them but you’re the one to blame

They loved you to death

Now I mourn your death

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Amazing Grace

The cold air hits my face

Into Your loving arms I do embrace

I fall to my knees and give You praise

I made it

I’m finally home

No longer lost

I’ve found my place

In You I find my rest

No longer tired

My lungs fill with Your fresh breath

Protection I feel from under Your wings

I’ll soar with eagles

Your praises I do sing

Over the mountains I fix my gaze

Amazing art

Amazing grace

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Church

Psalm 96:1-2-

Sing to the Lord a new song;

    sing to the Lord, all the earth.

Sing to the Lord, praise his name;

    proclaim his salvation day after day.

-surrender your old self-

In the midst of everything He is there.

2 Corinthians 5:17-

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!

Worthless idols: success, happiness, health, recognition, acceptance, marriage, kids, security, future, perfection, self righteousness, morality, instant gratification, self….

THE LORD REIGNS! Declare it! Claim it!

He is doing a work in me (in you). He is faithful to complete it.

He’s faithful, good, righteous!

He’s done the work, He will do the work, He’s doing the work.

What are you clinging on to that’s a worthless idol?

-P. Geoff (with my take away)

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Oh Yes I Will

For all my days oh yes I will.

No matter how deep the valley I will choose to praise.

No matter how dark the nights may get I’ll choose to see the light in the morning.

I’ll lift Your Name on high even when I feel low.

I love You Lord, I love You Lord.

I will not hide myself from You, Lord don’t hide Yourself from me.

Life is not always sunshine, sometimes it rains.

Lord, be my rainbow after the storm.

Be my hope when there seems to be no hope.

Hold my hand when I feel all alone.

When the waters rise and the sky becomes dark, I’ll cling to You to keep me above the waves.

I’ll sing You praise in my darkest days.

I’ll trust You even when I am afraid.

I’ll set my eyes on You, on You.

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My Mind-My Thoughts

I Know

Another day another….

Life’s what we make it….

I will not allow myself to be responsible for anyone else’s happiness….

I won’t allow anyone to guilt trip me….

I know what I’ve done….

I know who I once was….

I know who I am today….

I know who I want to be….

I’m not sure where I’m going but I know how I’m getting there, God….

All I know is I’m me….

I’m ok with being me….

I’m comfortable in my own skin….

I’m not perfect but I am in my Father’s eyes….

I know my struggles in life and I own them….

Be my rival or be my friend….

With me there’s no in between….

I know people look upon my life, both past and present and judge me….

I don’t care….

That says more about them than it does me….

I’ve had people stay and I’ve had people go….

At the end of the day I’m still here….

Life goes on with or without those people who said they would stay….

I won’t beg and I won’t chase….

I will love you from afar if need be….

If I cannot trust you I will put up a wall to guard my own heart, to save myself from hurt….

Take ownership of your own feelings….

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My Mind-My Thoughts

It’s No Secret

Victoria Secret Models are coming out stating they have been sexually harassed. They have stated the guys they work for have tried kissing them and have asked the girls to sit on their laps. Look, I don’t agree with (true) sexual harassment. But everyone seems to yell it at the simplest of things. Asking someone to sit on their lap might be tacky but it’s not sexual harassment. He has freedom of speech to ask you to do something. Just as you have freedom of speech to say HECK NO. If he forces you to sit on his lap that could be looked at as sexual harassment.

No one should have to worry about being sexually assaulted, but there has to be an understanding. A woman who dresses in such clothing is setting herself up for what they are now saying has taken place: trying to get a kiss, trying to get a lap sit, trying to get some “alone time” (not sexual harassment).

There’s been talk of remarks of the models weight. You are starving yourselves on your own, then when someone says something about your weight you whine about how you can’t be comfortable with your weight. Absurd!

You choose to do this job. No one put a gun to your head to force you to prance around on a runway in front of the whole world with next to no clothes on. You can’t expect to dress like that and guys (and girls) not get turned on or aroused. You can’t dress that way and guys not look at you as being easy, available, sexually active.

It doesn’t give anyone the right to rape someone, but that’s not the case. It seems to me all that has been done is (heavy) flirting; guy’s seeing girls dressed like they are and seeing how far she will go.

You can’t demand respect from men when you don’t have respect for yourself. You knew what was going to be expected of you when you signed up for the job-starve yourself and dress sleazy. No one forced you to take pictures with this man over and over again knowing he was making sexual advances towards you. You can’t dress like a prostitute (worse than a prostitute) and expect to be treated like a nun.

I’m not saying that if a girl dresses inappropriately then a guy has the right to rape her or assault her in anyway. What I’m saying is that you attract the kind of men you are speaking out against (if it’s true-they are sleaze balls) by how you dress, how you carry yourself. You attract the type of person you are. Take some responsibility.

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Choose To Fight

No matter what I won’t give in and I won’t give up. Satan can try all he wants but he will fail because my God is stronger than all of the enemies schemes. My Lord is almighty. The devil has no power over me: my thoughts, my future….unless I choose to give him that power….I will never! I refuse to fall down and stay there. I refuse to be the devil’s experiment, his guinea pig. He is a coward. He tries to taunt the weak. He uses people to do his dirty work. He uses people to use people. He wants nothing good for anyone; he only comes to steal, kill and destroy. The Lord came to have life and have it abundantly (John 10:10) Stay down and the enemy wins OR get up and fight until the fight is over and you’re able to raise your hands up high and claim victory in His Name. I will choose to fight!

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Lord, find me

So much on my mind, I don’t know which way to turn. Do I stay or do I run? Things were going great, now they’re going south, do I go south? It feels like I’m being attacked, I cry out to God, feeling ignored. I don’t know what’s in store, not sure how much more….I can take. This is all I know, I know nothing more. I feel like I’m being pushed and pulled in all directions, tested to the core. Lord how much more? How much more are You going to allow? I keep all my emotions under cover, don’t want my kids to see me struggle. I feel myself going under. I hold on tight to my Lord and Savior. Come quickly I continue to pray, bring peace from this pain. One day this will all be in the past, but until then I feel lost….Lord, find me.

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Yes I Will

I count on one thing
The same God that never fails
Will not fail me now
You won’t fail me now
In the waiting
The same God who’s never late
Is working all things out
You’re working all things outYes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
All my days, oh yes I willI count on one thing
The same God that never fails
Will not fail me now
You won’t fail me now
In the waiting
The same God who’s never late
Is working all things out
Is working all things outOh, yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
For all my days, oh yes I will
For all my days, oh yes, I willAnd I choose to praise
To glorify, glorify
The Name of all names
That nothing can stand against
And I choose to praise
To glorify, glorify
The Name of all names
That nothing can stand against
And I choose to praise
To glorify, glorify
The Name of all names
That nothing can stand against
And I choose to praise
To glorify, to glorify
The Name of all names
That nothing can stand againstOh, yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
All my days, oh yes, I will
For all my days, oh yes, I will
For all my days, yes, I will

Yes I Will-Song by Vertical Worship

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Trump

Trump——acquitted——now leave him alone and let him be PRESIDENT! #Trump2020 #Trump #2020 #ButFirstGOD #PelosiSitDown

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Be Still

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Fam(ily)

My number one job in this life-being a mom. It doesn’t pay well. In fact the pay s*cks! But I wouldn’t change it for the world. A cup of coffee-maybe, but not the world. HA!

My kids drive me nuts, and I know I drive them nuttier-but at the end of the day we are family. Family is forever! Not just during the good times-through all times.

My daughter struggles with abandonment-testing people to see if they will stay or run-I’ve not ran yet. Will she ever believe me when I say-not one person in this life might stick around, but I will never leave?!

I might not like her behavior or her attitude, but I love her-always! Even when she’s not very lovable. It’s in those moments I could be like a lot of other parents who throw up their hands, but I dig my heels in deeper-knowing that walking away and giving up isn’t an option.

Many people have walked out on her-broken her heart into a million pieces-we’ve had our fair share of tough times-butting of the heads-battles of the minds. I’m a tough cookie-I like order-I am strict-but I want the best for my daughter (all my kids).

In the past I’ve done it all wrong-and then some, but I’m not that person anymore. I’m not perfect and at times I’m a little rough around the edges, but I’ll only look forward-never being the person I was before.

I can’t undo my wrong-I can’t undo other’s hurts, but I can be me and at the end of the day it has to be enough.

So, if my daughter happens to read this-you are beautiful inside and out! BELIEVE IT! You are so extremely talented and so intelligent! BELIEVE IT! You are my daughter! We aren’t rivals! CLAIM IT! You aren’t nuts! REBUKE IT! You are good enough! BELIEVE IT! Anyone who has walked out-that’s their loss! Don’t give anyone power over your life!

Stop living in the past! You (we) don’t live there anymore. We live in the here and the now. We live and we learn. We will step forward and we will leap back. We will have good days and we will have bad. We will not always like each other’s attitude or actions, but we will always love one another. Focus on the good, not the bad! Focus on your blessings in life.

Learn, today, I’m not against you-stop being against me. Learn, today, I’m your mom, it’s my job to guide you, teach you, at times discipline you. Learn, today, I’m not perfect but I’m trying my best-better than anyone who walked out. I’m doing the best I can with what I have-be my daughter, not my enemy.

Relationships aren’t easy! They are exhausting at times. At times family wants to throw in the towel, that should never be an option.

We (with God) got this!

Fam(ily)-where we: laugh, cry, yell, cuss, pray, fall down, get up again, talk sarcasm, forgive, tease, prank, lie, defend, roll our eyes, get defensive, feel offended, etc.

Fam(ily)-where we: NEVER GIVE UP!

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My Mind-My Thoughts

That’s One Thing That I Know Is True

My mind has been racing all day. It won’t stop. I can’t sleep. Emotional but I don’t know why. I keep thinking of him, but I refuse to cry. I feel so much anger towards him today, but tomorrow may come and go and I not think of him at all. How can two people walk away and never speak another word? That’s not love, was it ever? I think not, at least not on his part. I’ve been told so many lies I don’t know what’s truth. Does it even matter? To me, yes, but not to you. I don’t want him, that desire is gone. So why do I keep thinking of him, wondering what he’s doing, wondering if he ever thinks of me. It’s like we (me and my kid’s) don’t exist. I would be a liar if I said it doesn’t hurt. To think I was just a way to get to his current destination. I feel used. I’ve felt used most of my life, but never as used as I have these last five years. Throughout my life I have learned that you can love someone until your dying day, that doesn’t mean they will ever love you for even one second. Some people aren’t capable of love, and I think every man I’ve loved has been that, incapable. Love isn’t easy, it takes a lot of work. Trust is the same. Trust is big for me. I can love you all the days of my life, but if you lose my trust I’ll never be able to trust you again. Love you, yes. Trust you, no. So I’m glad he stays away, there’s no words left to say. I would be perfectly fine if I never laid eyes on him again. I’ll look back on this in a day or so and wonder why I put any effort into writing it, that’s how over him I am. Reason I’m not sure why my mind won’t stop, him running through it. I won’t come back to this blog and delete it, as much as I already want to click delete. I think it’s healthy to get it off of my mind. Out with the old. In with the new. New thoughts. Never again will there be a me and you, that’s one thing that I know is true.

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Going Under

Oh heart, oh heart! How do you still beat? Oh heart how I feel such defeat! Sadness approaches again and again. No shoreline in sight, still learning to swim. I feel like I’m drowning, going under more and more. No one to save me, I doggy paddle to shore. Tired from struggling to stay afloat, I lay down to rest, holding onto hope. I look to the sky, tears fall from my eyes. This is life, this is life. This feeling won’t last, in due time it’ll pass. Jumping in feet first, my heart starts to beat. Letting go of all fear, holding on to my Father. He can save me from going under, I pray He saves me from going under.

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My Mind-My Thoughts

He Loves Me

Wind blowing through the trees, I fall to my knees, look up to the sky and beg my father, “Father, forgive me.”

Save me from myself, sin deep within, You died for me, I’ll live for You, cleanse me.

Enemies swarm in from all directions, seeking Your face I see no distractions. Temptation may come, but not for long, for I keep my mind on Jesus, Solid….Strong. He sustains me.

Never turning back, not who I once was, the Blood of the Lamb washed me whiter than snow. Once I was blind but now I see, the Devil….oh how he taunts me.

My cup runneth over, His ways satisfying. He bought me back at a price, He redeemed me. He bear the Cross for us all. In three days He rose. I know He lives for He now lives inside me. He loves me.

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My Mind-My Thoughts

•Forgiveness•Heartache Turned Into Prayer•

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Everyone Matters

This will be short and to the point- Kobe Bryant died. It’s sad to hear. Not because he was a famous basketball player, not because he was worth (however much the news made sure they stated). It’s sad to hear because it’s a person who lost his life-moreover, a father whose wife is now a widow, his children will be forever heartbroken. It’s sad because his 13 year old daughter was with him. It’s sad because his wife now has to suffer not just losing her husband but also her daughter. It’s sad because the children now have to suffer through the loss of not just losing their dad but their sister.

….it’s sad because they make sure they mention Kobe’s name (his daughter) on the news, his accomplishments (basketball star) but only mention the other 7 people as “7 other people”….like their lives didn’t matter.

Those 7 other people have family that will have to mourn and grieve just as Kobe’s family will. The pilots wife will (I’m sure) carry the burden around that her husband was the (cause-not intentional) for 9 people losing their lives. That in itself is sad! My point of this blog….to remind everyone that….EVERYONE MATTERS!

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My Mind-My Thoughts

My Happy Place

Worshipping the Lord-that’s my happy place. My kids have said for a time now-mom’s happiest while worshipping. I agree! I wasn’t sure until today, though! To sing praise to Him-my One-my Only!

Worship isn’t the act of singing (only)-I know this, but it’s part of it. I get fuel from singing praises to Him.

I love to read the Word-put my ear buds in and drown out the weight of the world-for however long it takes for my heart to feel content-satisfied.

Right before my husband left the marriage he had explained to my pastor that he often wished he could be on a deserted island, alone with his Bible and just be left alone-whether he meant it or not, I do not know, but I do understand how he feels (felt). I didn’t at the time, but I do now.

I love the Lord-I do not love this world!

We speak a lot, within the CHRISTian faith, of being “fake”. I’m positive I have been fake often throughout my Christ walk, but I try hard to walk, daily, in His will-His desires….not wanting to be fake.

I feel solitude is best for me-so I’m not always left feeling anger. Anger from the sin of the world-no, I don’t see myself as Christ, but I long to be Christ like-reason I become angry over things that Jesus Himself was (is) angry over.

If I was on a deserted island it would be me and my Lord-how peaceful does that sound? Ok! Confession: I might want to take some coffee and some coffee creamer-but that’s it.

Yes, I love my children. Yes, I want them near me….but ultimately I just long for being with Christ-He and I and my Bible-alone….

That’s my happy place!

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My Mind-My Thoughts

How Foolish

Sitting in silence….my mind won’t stop racing

Exhausted from thinking….my feet keep me pacing

Back and forth in my head….why can’t I shake this feeling

Too tired to sleep….too many emotions releasing

I stay awake to keep from dreaming

Thoughts of you and thoughts of you too….I feel like I’m cheating

Chasing a dead man….I’m sad you’re gone

If only they had listened….you’d still be alive-using-drinking

I want to visit your grave-but they had you cremated

I call it selfish-they call it giving you what you wanted

How did you die-I still don’t know

You got what you wanted-got what you wished

Now you’re gone while I’m still here dealing with all this sh*t

Valentine’s Day it’ll be two years since we split-ten weeks since you left-it all feels illicit

Both of you sharing a place in my heart-both of you don’t deserve it-when will it all stop

I’m kicking you both out-evicted due to non payment of rent

My heart now vacant-I want no part of it

It’s time to start healing-no longer feeling how I’ve been feeling

No love lost-cause you neither one loved me to begin with

I loved you and you too-how foolish

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Abortion

Like I stated in my prior blog-There’s no way to know 100% whether someone killed another person….let me add to this statement….unless it’s a mother who is taking her baby into an abortion clinic to have their baby murdered. Then we know 100% that they had their baby killed. What is it called when you hire someone to kill another person (in this case your own baby)? That person is called a hit man- a murder is committed when one party (mom/mom and dad) hires another party (abortionist) to kill an individual (baby in the womb) or group of people (mother could be pregnant with twins).

In this case we know for a fact the person/people did the crime (crime-unless you live in America, where it’s not a crime to kill a baby but you get charged and tried for harming an animal). *I’m rolling my eyes*

No child is a mistake-unplanned, maybe, but not a mistake.

Rape? That’s a reason often given for a reason (excuse) for killing a baby. So, we should make it ok to kill the baby for the sin (crime) of his/her father? Does that make any sense at all?

Example: A man breaks into my home, robs me blind. Instead of charging the man who did the crime I tell the cops to arrest his child (baby)? The cops would laugh at me. Yet that’s what we do each time a child is conceived by rape. Roughly only about 5% of pregnancies are rape related. A much bigger percentage of babies are being killed (by abortion) than 5%. Let that sink in.

Psalm 139:13-14 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Pregnancy is scary, I’m not arguing against this. I know full well. I’ve been pregnant and carried to term nine babies. Yes, you read that right, nine babies. Here’s a shocker, only two of the nine babies I conceived were planned. Another shocker-I chose adoption for three of those babies I carried. I’ve had countless people speak unthinkable things about me having these (unplanned-out of wedlock babies). I agree, I shouldn’t have had any child out of wedlock….but here’s what I hold on to-I never have to wake up at night in tears at the thought of having my baby killed/murdered. I don’t have to wonder if my baby would have blonde hair with blue eyes or brown hair with green eyes. I know that (even though adoption wasn’t easy) I loved my babies enough to give them life, not take their lives.

I have a soft spot in my heart for women who are so afraid of being condemned by other’s (church family, family, friends, boyfriend, husband….) that they feel there’s no other way but to abort their baby. At the time they aren’t thinking-Ten years from now I’m going to regret this.

No, they are thinking of a quick way to get rid of the “problem”, so no one sees their (sin) “mistake”, their unfaithfulness.

I can recall a time I learned of my being pregnant. I was terrified. Another nine months of walking around my (very) small town with a belly out in front if me. I could imagine the whispers, the shouts, the looks, the eye rolls, the gossip. I went to my (CHRISTian) friends house, plopped down on her bed and spilled my guts. I told her I made up my mind-abortion it was. I was so afraid she wouldn’t love me anymore. I explained why there was no other option. She was kind-never judging. She was soft. I told her I was embarrassed and afraid that she would think-here we go again. Kelly, never getting it right in life. Here Kelly goes again, pregnant with a kid we all know she can’t care for, but instead she stopped me and said with a pure heart-times like these don’t make me love you less, they make me love you more. She explained that if I went through with the abortion I would not only have one sin I would have to carry around (until true repentance)-the sex before marriage-pregnancy out of wedlock, but I would have another sin to carry around (until true repentance)-abortion-killing my baby/having my baby killed.

Exodus 20:13 “You shall not murder.

I left and called the abortion clinic that was right up the road. Perfect! A discount for anyone who was on any public assistance. Check mate-I was on assistant- Yay me, I thought-I get the discount. The lady on the other end of the line asked me a few questions-the only one I remember was how far along I was. I told her and her response was, “At this time there’s not enough “tissue””. I thought nothing of the term she used-if anything it helped me not decide against my decision-had she said there wasn’t enough baby I probably would’ve gasped-but she didn’t. She advised me to call back-she wasn’t even allowed to set an appointment until there was enough “tissue”. I hung up the phone-frustrated! I just wanted this “sin” gone! I didn’t want anyone finding me out-that I had, had sex (once again) before marriage.

I walked out from the back office-walked to the front of the building. I couldn’t stop thinking about the word she used….tissue?! I remembered a report my brother did while in high school on abortion. I recalled how disturbing the pictures were. I recalled how disturbing the details were. I hurried to our company computer. I couldn’t get the tears to stop. I was scarred for life. If you’ve never searched (truly searched) abortion-don’t do it! (ACTUALLY, DO IT….IT MIGHT SAVE A BABIES LIFE AND A MOTHERS REGRET LATER)

The images-I couldn’t get them out of my head! I cried-No, I bawled! And to think, I WAS TRYING TO SCHEDULE THIS HORRENDOUS ACT TO BE PERFORMED ON MY….BABY (not just some tissue)! Needless to say, I didn’t call again to schedule (once there was more “tissue”). From that moment on I have been PRO LIFE FOR LIFE!!!!

I will never judge anyone for choosing an abortion, but I’ll never support it. Abortion is selfish! Adoption is selfless! Abortion is forever!

I went on to have a healthy baby girl-I chose adoption! She is beautiful….and she looks like a mini version of me. Had I chose to abort (have her murdered) I wouldn’t know the things I do.

Pro Life! Pro Adoption!

It won’t be easy, it will be worth it!

IF IT WERE YOUR BODY YOU WOULD BE THE ONE WHO DIES WHEN HAVING THE ABORTION-NOT THE BABY

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My Mind-My Thoughts

A Life For A Life

Numbers 35:33 says- the blood of a murder victim “pollutes the land,” a pollution that must be cleansed by the death of the murderer. If the murderer could not be found, an animal was to be sacrificed to God to purge the community of guilt (Deut. 21).
Christ’s death on the cross ended the need for sacrifice. The sacrifice of the Lamb of God, replaced the sacrifice of animals. His death made it unnecessary to execute murderers to maintain human value because His death on the Cross (forever) established human value. Hebrews 9:14 says- “How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!”
Christ teaches forgiveness and the Word states in Romans 12:19- Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[a] says the Lord.

There’s no way to know 100% whether someone killed another person unless they confess, and even then we don’t know if they were forced or threatened into confessing. There are many men and women sitting on death row right now who are innocent. We just don’t know.

When I say I’m pro life, I mean I’M PRO LIFE. We are not God, we aren’t to take a life. He will seek justice, even though it might not be in this lifetime-He will still seek justice. We are to love and forgive and pray and we aren’t to forget those who are in prison. Hebrews 13:3 says- Don’t forget those who are in prison. Remember them as though you were in prison with them. And don’t forget those who are suffering. Remember them as though you were suffering with them.

Murder is murder-whether it’s the killing of innocent babies inside the womb, whether it’s the killing of an innocent man or woman, or whether it’s the killing of a guilty man or woman on death row.

Pro Life For Life

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Redeemed

This May it’ll be three years since my dad lost his fight to cancer. No, this isn’t what this blog is about. Although (Cancer Stinks)!

My dad was a grumpy olé man. He never followed the crowd, didn’t care what other’s thought of him. He marched to the beat of his own drum. He taught me a lot growing up. Some would say he taught me how to be angry. Others would say he taught me how to be my true self. I say both. One thing about my dad was that he pretty much told it like it was-yea, I seem to get that from my dad, too. Looking back on advice he gave, although little given, the advice he gave was solid.

Where am I going with this? I’m not sure I know myself. Since my dad’s passing I am sure I’ve dreamt of him, but I can’t recall the actual dreams. I know I’ve cried a lot of tears, but no dreams that have stuck with me….until here recently.

If you read my first blog I ever posted it was a blog of my dream regarding my husband-a storm-how vivid it was-I knew it was the Lord’s way of speaking to me. That dream was from the first time I was married to him. Like I stated in the blog we divorced shortly after that dream. We were on again off again and then decided several months ago to remarry. We were remarried this past October. Right away I realized I had made (what I thought to be) a big mistake. All his promises were all words, none put into action. He wanted everyone to respect him and treat him as a man but he wasn’t leading as a CHRISTian man. I’m not writing this blog to bash him or place blame. We both failed. I did my fair share of wrong and he did his.

The point I’m trying to make is this-I was once again in the same spot I was in the last time we tried this thing called marriage. Feelings of: abandonment, confusion, sadness, anger (blame it on my dad….ha), doubt. I also felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders (which then brought a feeling of shame/guilt-yes, a part of me-a big part, was glad he was gone). I cried out to God-SAVE THIS FAMILY! COME QUICKLY! BRING MY HUSBAND HOME! RENEW HIS LOVE FOR ME! HELP HIM REMAIN FAITHFUL! YOUR WILL BE DONE ABOVE ALL OTHERS WILL! Pretty much I heard silence (or I was hearing what I didn’t want to hear so I drown His voice out and clung to my own hurt feelings/emotions).

I had been struggling with sleep, my mind racing. I was in deep inner turmoil. WHAT DO I DO, LORD?! Show me! Guide me! Give me a clear sign! Make it so bluntly from You that there’s no denying it is You.

Then, one night I fell asleep. I woke up bawling. My daughter had heard me crying and woke me. I couldn’t stop! I was so upset crying, finding it hard to control my emotions. Another dream-just as vivid as the one I blogged about. I knew it was God! I just knew!

My dad! I heard his voice! I held his hand! I walked with him! I couldn’t get it out fast enough. I was trying to explain to my daughter what I had dreamed. To me it was so vivid and a definite answer to prayers. As I was speaking it out loud it didn’t seem so extravagant as it had felt while I was actually dreaming it. I had been at my mom’s (my mom and dad were/are divorced). I went from being at my mom’s to walking next to my dad. It was my dad, long dirty blonde hair, blue eyes-he was in partial human form but the other half of his body was a shadow-a glowing light (like that of Jesus). We held hands. I felt calm-at peace. I was telling him about my separation from my husband, he stayed calm-at peace. He told me I was released from him. The voice sounded just like my dad’s voice, but at the same time I knew it was a mixture of my dad’s voice and my Dad’s Voice. I have never heard Jesus’s voice, but I knew it was His combined with my earthly dad’s. It was in that instant I felt released from my husband-I felt peace-I felt calm. Just as quickly as my dad had appeared next to me, walking hand in hand, he was gone. He seemed to fade away. I was back at my mom’s, wanting to tell her the news-I got to see my dad-hear his voice, but that part of my dream was of no importance. I then woke up.

Since that dream I have been sleeping better. Since that dream I don’t feel that same connection to my husband as I once felt. I feel much more at peace. I am not his wife-I am HIS Wife. I am in training to be HIS Bride. HE is my Husband. HE will lead this family, we will follow. HE provides! HE will never leave-leaving me and my children feeling abandoned-not good enough-not wanted-not loved. He has released me from him! He has bought me back-redeemed me.

He gave me to him. He entrusted me to him. Kind of like-This is My Daughter, I’m giving permission to you to take her hand in marriage-don’t break My Daughter’s heart. When he failed at loving me as He had guided him to do and how to do it, and left us abandoned, He bought me back-redeeming me from my husband.

Do you feel God speaks to us through dreams? Or do you feel dreams are our own conscience? Maybe it was something I ate right before bed? What do you think/believe? Have you ever had a dream so vivid, with so much meaning that you knew it was more than just a dream, but an answered prayer? God speaking to you?

The dream wasn’t this miraculous healing of my heart-but it sure did help-the burden has been lightened tremendously. They say time heals everything. No, God does.

So, I still pray, but just a little differently now-GOD, COME QUICKLY! YOUR WILL BE DONE ABOVE ALL OTHERS WILL! Amen.

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My Mind-My Thoughts

It’s Ok Not To Be Ok

Its ok not to be ok. Thats the lyrics in a popular CHRISTian song that plays quite frequently on the radio. It’s sung by Josh Wilson, it’s called Ok. I have read the lyrics, the lyrics are very good, but one part ruins the whole song (for me). “It’s ok not to be ok, It’s ok not to be ok”

No, it’s not ok not to be ok. Yes, the Lord will still love us, He’ll find you where you are, but He hasn’t given us a Spirit of not being ok.

Galatians 5:22-23 says- 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

So, when we aren’t ok it’s not ok. Never should we have the mindset as- Eh, it’s ok that I’m not ok, it’s life. Instead, we need to realize we aren’t ok and figure out how to overcome it.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Proverbs 15:13

A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.

Philippians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

James 1:12

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

2 Timothy 1:7

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

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My Mind-My Thoughts

The Little Buddha Statue

“Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.’” – John 14:6

Are you being tolerant of other’s beliefs to the point of saying nothing? Is the message of “tolerance” keeping you quiet?

If so, you may want to consider who is influencing your decision to remain silent.

Shutting up is the last thing Christians should be doing because if there are no words, there is no faith that comes from hearing, and consequently leads to no salvations.

(https://www.crosswalk.com)

Oddly enough I just read this an hour after taking my daughter to her appointment where the doctor had a Buddhist statue sitting on her desk. I noticed it right away and thought to myself-oh my I hope she doesn’t learn we are CHRISTians-she might treat us differently-she might judge us.

After explaining my daughters struggle to fall asleep and stay asleep she suggested yoga. Without hesitation I piped up, Uh….no. Sorry, I’m thinking you believe in the Buddha faith. Oh no, she quickly responded. I don’t believe in anything. She hesitated, fumbling for words so I chimed in, I just noticed the Buddha statue. She answered, I just have it. She paused, not finishing. I continued. I….No, WE don’t believe in yoga. She, with ease, changed the subject.

After reading my devotions it came to me, if I don’t speak up for my faith, and other’s are feeling as I did, being afraid that someone might “find us out” (even if for a split moment) our faith will burn out. “Other” religion will take over. Let’s be honest, “other” religions are already taking over. (Cough!) That may be the case for now, but (H)e will return and take back all that is and all who are (H)is.

Whether she believes in the Buddha faith or nothing (as she stated-she believes in nothing) she had the statue. If I didn’t believe in something I sure wouldn’t have it displayed for the whole world to see. The things I display on my walls in my home tells people what I believe in-without hesitation-I’m a CHRISTian. No pat on the back needed/wanted. I fail often, sometimes daily, hourly….reason I need Him (a Savior). But if someone asked me about the crosses that hang on my walls (no, crosses hanging on my walls don’t make me a CHRISTian-the Blood of the Lamb does-the Cross does) I wouldn’t deny my faith (as I’m certain she did-to save face-because maybe it’s frowned upon in her line of work to “display” your personal beliefs when it comes to faith/religion). Either way, I learned today thanks to my daily devotions, I don’t have to be afraid. Honestly, it seemed she was more afraid than I was-reason she quickly denied her “faith”, her “religion”.

I’m not one to judge anyone for how they believe. If you want to pray to a glass statue of an overweight guy in a diaper (sorry not sorry), go for it….but from here on out I won’t be afraid to stand up for what I believe (and I’m almost never afraid-I’m not sure what came over me today). I might not use words, but I’ll use action-in the way I live.

Hi! I’m Kelly, and I’m a Child of (G)od….glad to meet ya!

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My Mind-My Thoughts

Shut Your Mouth and Open Your Ears

Who remembers Charlie Brown? Who remembers Charlie Brown’s teacher? Her voice? Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! I’m positive that’s what my kids hear when I try to talk to them. Anytime I start to speak my daughter says, Oh here we go, another one of mom’s life lessons, and then all they hear is Wah!! Wah!! Wah!! Wah!! I have become Charlie Brown’s teacher in my kid’s eyes.

Selective hearing runs rapidly in our home. I’ll tell my kids to do something, then they do the parts they want to do, not all the parts they were told. We, as a whole, tend to hear, not listen. There is a difference.

I’ve learned that’s how I am towards God and hearing His voice. When I hear something I don’t want to acknowledge to be His Truth I drown out His voice with Charlie Brown’s Teacher’s voice-Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! And then I carry on about my life, complaining that He is being silent, He’s not answering my prayers. Truth of the matter is I have selective hearing just like my kids. I hear Him loud and clear when I’m hearing what I want, but the moment He speaks “hard to swallow” Truth, I close my ears and open my mouth. I begin speaking my own truth to myself. I tell myself what I want to hear and sometimes I even say it’s Him telling me these things. No, it’s not Him.

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD (Psalm 46:10)

That’s usually what I hear from Him. When we’re in need of His voice and we can’t seem to hear it, there’s always a way to get answers, Truthful answers-a voice we know is His and not our own. A voice that sounds solid and not a drown out Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! kind of voice. It’s our Bible-the Word-the Truth. All it takes is us shutting our mouths, opening our Bibles, and then opening our ears. If we are quiet we will hear Him speak, it’s then our choice to listen.

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Happy Birthday To Me

The Good Doctor

Growing up, my mom and I never had a good relationship. We were more rivals than anything. It seemed, more than not, that she was against me: my enemy, didn’t want to see good in me, wanted to see me fail.

Twenty years ago this year she and I had, had a falling out. She had turned against me and tried to ruin something that was good (at the time, my marriage/my family). I had made up my mind I would never allow reconciliation, and then my phone rang and it was her, wanting to make up and come to town and take me out for my birthday. My initial reaction was to deny her request and forget she was ever my mom. Although it sounded like the perfect plan, my heart just wouldn’t allow that to be the final answer. I ended up getting some sound advice and decided to allow her to come and spend my birthday with me, but with the understanding that this was her last chance. If she ever walked out of my life again, it would be for good.

Tonight I was watching The Good Doctor. I’ve never been one to get into shows like it, it’s too soap opera-like for my liking. As I watched the ending a lightbulb went off in my head-that’s what I’m struggling with, what I’ve been struggling with for the last twenty years.

My mom died!

I’m angry with my mom for dying-not dying, but dying on my birthday.

August 16, my mom was dressed in a beautiful yellow dress that went to her ankles, tiny flowers covering the pretty sundress. It wasn’t often my mom dressed up, usually it was jeans and a t-shirt. Today was different. She was smiling, happy, she felt confident, pretty. We decided on having lunch at Pizza Hut, but not before her calling and canceling her appointment to see her cardiologist. She had asked me if I thought she should keep her appointment, knowing that if she went it would cut our time together significantly. She reassured me she hadn’t had any issues and had been feeling fine, so I suggested she cancel-she did.

All day her face poured with sweat-not knowing why because anywhere we went there was air conditioning. She was a little troubled by this but I had chalked it up to her being overweight-embarrassing to admit that was my thinking. We had lunch and then hurried back to my place where we sat and hashed out our differences. It was hard-so hard, but we made it through. I told her I thought she treated me the way her mom had always treated her-my mom couldn’t do anything right in her mom’s eyes whereas her brother’s could do no wrong. Growing up my brother could do no wrong in my mom’s eyes but I could nothing right. We spoke of God. We spoke of my mom’s fiancé-how she was no longer going to allow him to dictate our relationship, her admitting he was a deciding factor as to why she always stayed her distance. Her fiancé had told her it was me or him and she admitted she had chosen him but from that day forward things were going to be different-I knew it, felt it, believed it, longed for it. I couldn’t wait.

The day had ended, my husband and I were in bed. What an amazing birthday-I finally had my mom, the mom I never had. I knew things were going to be good, we were going to have a mother daughter relationship-healthy. Then our phone rang, my husband answered. He was stumbling to find words to say to the person on the other end. I knew it was something to do with my mom-but what? Suicide? Had she attempted suicide-did she succeed? What was it? Tell me-he hung up and told me the news! My mom was gone!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

My mom had lost her life to heart failure.

Tonight, as I watched the soap opera, it dawned on me-for the last twenty years I’ve been mad at my mom, unforgiving towards her, towards the fact she died on my birthday. I was blaming her-resenting her! All these years I held onto resentment towards the fact she died on my birthday-like she planned it. I knew she didn’t plan it, but my thinking has been: Imagine that, leave it to my mom to die, of all days to die, on my birthday. Thanks, mom! Once again always trying to cause me hurt, stealing my joy. You sure did it, didn’t you mom?

Many years ago I made the long drive to her grave stone-knowing she wasn’t there, knowing she couldn’t hear my words. I went to tell her I forgave her-I thought it would release me of all the heartache, all the resentment I held on to. Nothing. Nothing changed. After the long drive I still felt anger, resentment. Tonight I learned that I was forgiving her for things that I wasn’t unforgiving of to begin with. I went that day with the thinking that I was forgiving her for not being the mom I felt I deserved. Truth is, after watching The Good Doctor tonight I learned I wasn’t mad at her for not being the mom I felt I deserved, but I was mad for her dying on my day-MY DAY.

Tonight I’m choosing to let go! There’s no need for the long distant drive-I know my words will be unheard by her, but in my heart I am letting go of all anger, hurt, resentment, and unforgiveness of something she had no control of.

So freeing!

Categories
Dream-Vivid

The Storm

Creator: yotrak

While separated from my husband and not knowing if I could trust him/lean on him during the hard times we were facing/going through, I had a dream. It was vivid and I’ve never forgotten it like most of my other dreams (that never have had any true meaning).

My husband had just got home, we were in someone’s house sitting on a couch in this persons living room. There were people in the basement-a girl saying she had a baby with my husband. After speaking with her and getting dates, it became impossible for my husband to have fathered her child-he was not around at the time she conceived. We left-not wanting any issues with anyone there, walking down the road towards home (or what was home to us in the dream) I noticed the skies turning all shades of grey. The clouds started to roll in and I knew if we didn’t get to this little white house we called home that sat on the left hand side of the road caddy corner from a park (that was just ahead of us), we would be in big trouble. As we came up to the park, lined with a waste high old rusty chain length fence, the ground was completely dry, cracks covering the entire ground. In the middle of the park there was an old metal slide. I knew we had to get to this slide and get to the top of it because the rain had came and the water was rising quickly. We climbed the slides ladder. I looked towards the little white house, it looked so close but so far away. If we could just get there we would be safe but the water was rising so quickly that I knew we couldn’t make it. My husband decided to slide down the slide and into the raging water. He was trying so hard to stay above the water, the waves. He was trying to convince me to slide down, promising me he would catch me. I told him he wasn’t strong enough, he was struggling to stay above the waves himself, going under more frequently. I told him I couldn’t trust him to save me from going under. He wasn’t strong enough to keep us both above the water. I knew I had to stay on top of this slide and wait for the storm to pass and the water to recede. As soon as I had that thought rush through my mind my husband was taken away by the water. That quick my dream was over.

-My take on the dream and what it meant-

The storm coming was us going through hard times in our marriage. If we got to the house-the end of the storm, we would make it-our marriage. The waters rising was our troubled marriage becoming more troubled. The top of the slide was God-our Solid Foundation. My husband was too weak to keep me above the water-to pull us out of our marriages dark times. I was to not trust him but I was to trust God-staying on the slide-the rock-my firm foundation.

Update- our marriage ended in divorce only months later.